From the second we were expelled from our mother's husk, the indoctrination began. Our unsullied, highly plastic brains absorbed every facial expression our caregivers made, planting deep-rooted seeds that shaped our emotions and perceptions of the world and later dictated how we'd form attachments in adult relationships. Just escaping the womb with good health and strong genetics is a cosmic lottery win. Add somewhat attentive, loving parents and maybe a sibling or two, and you're off to a better start than most.
You had no control over who your parents were, your sex, or the color of your eyes, skin, or hair. You didn't choose the city, state, or country you were spawned in, or the language you speak. Where you land on the spectrum of sexuality, and on the balance of feminine and masculine qualities, isn't up to you. Neither is your proclivity toward cognitive or emotional intelligence. Your religion, or lack thereof, was handed down by your parents, and that belief is the product of geography, not validity. (If you were born in America, odds are you aren't Hindu.)
The environment of your formative years also crafted the lens you see the world through. Were you rich, poor, or somewhere in the middle? Did you live in a good neighborhood or a bad one? Were you bullied, the bully, outgoing, shy? Did you have access to good schools, libraries, and other essential institutions, or were you closer to liquor stores and pawn shops? Was your health good enough to require little to no maintenance? Were you skinny, fat, "ugly," or "hot"? Appearance alone has an enormous effect on the human experience. "Beauty bias" and the "halo effect" are two coined terms for it. All of it shapes how others treat you, which shapes your perception of the world.
Right from the get-go, multiple factors you had zero say in determine how your life will go. Then you enter the school system, where you start to socialize and get your first taste of cultural influence. You learn what's "cool" and what you should like. You may pick up a body image complex by comparing yourself to others. You become aware of what the majority considers "beautiful" and "acceptable," and if your tastes or looks stray too far from the narrow parameters of normal, you learn quickly that conventional society will look down on you. Show too much emotion or imagination, and you can get exiled. Awkwardness can get you beat up. God forbid you challenge authority!
If school has worked as intended, you've been groomed for the workforce, which demands a nonconfrontational, compliant worker bee. Going against the grain there can get you fired. Thinking outside the box is condemned more than it's encouraged. In school, an outrageous hairdo or outfit might have gotten you picked on. In the working world, challenging standards might mean you don't eat. Standing up for your ideals, ethics, and unorthodox ideas gets labeled insubordinate. (I find words like insubordinate and blasphemy both disconcerting and humorous. They criminalize curiosity and differences of opinion, and they were undoubtedly invented by the people and institutions we should question most!) As your civil domestication progresses, the societal choke chain around your neck tightens until the last spark of individuality is gone.
Directly and indirectly, we're told how to act, how to dress, what to like, and what to do our whole lives. In adulthood, it's up to us to deprogram ourselves and rediscover who we are. So who are you, really? Strip away the cultural influence, the peer pressure, the parental and societal expectations, and all the other shit that has bombarded your subconscious since birth. Who's left? It's not an easy question. The deeper I explore determinism and Buddhism/Taoism, the more I suspect there isn't a self at all. But that's a whole other existential onion to peel.
Following your natural inclinations is crucial to authenticity. Cleanse yourself of the nonsense that doesn't align with your core instincts, and lean into your weirdness, talents, kinks, and curiosities. Owning who you are takes a heap of courage and unrelenting honesty, and you have to be comfortable being disliked. As Gabor Maté put it, "You can have the pain of suppressing yourself for the sake of being accepted, or you can have the pain of being yourself and not being accepted. You're gonna have pain either way. Which one would you like?"
We aren't being honest when we hide ourselves or act in ways we think will make us more acceptable. I've definitely been guilty of it. I've tried to act "cool" when introduced to a new group of people, and it never lands the way you think it will. People can smell bullshit a mile away. Trying to be something you're not sucks for everybody involved. You wind up beating yourself up for being cringey, and the people you were trying to impress with the homogenized version of you probably just thought you were awkward. There's nothing to gain.
Authenticity is the light behind your eyes that beckons the people who will genuinely love you. Pretend to be something you're not, and you rob yourself and the world of a uniqueness that has never existed before and never will again. Imagine a world where nobody challenged convention, did what they were told, gave up, and submitted. Every groundbreaker and innovator, from scientists and doctors to artists, philosophers, and inventors, broke the rules and followed a true calling, pushing the world forward: Galileo, Darwin, Beethoven, the Ramones, Martin Luther King Jr., Thich Nhat Hanh, Gandhi, Thomas Paine, Tim Burton. In extreme cases, some were tortured and killed for refusing to surrender their integrity.
Not being true to yourself is one of the top five regrets of the dying. When your final breath comes, will you have lived the life you wanted or the one others expected of you? Were you true to your heart and spirit? Did you follow your gut, your passions, your desires? It's not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. Don't be afraid to fail or look like an idiot sometimes. It's all part of getting where you need to go. Learn, refine, be brave, be honest, and goddamn it, be your true self!
“The world will ask who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.”
“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
“Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road.”
— Voltaire
